It can be sneaky...quite deceptive actually.
It starts with a *sigh* and turns into a slump. The weight can be unbearable.
But I let it in. Maybe even welcomed it.
Sometimes it's easier to think of yourself as "not measuring up" then trying to find a solution.
Sometimes it's easier to wallow in the muck of your own perception of "self" although seldom correct.
Sometimes introspection is too hard.
Bottom line? I let myself travel here. To that dark place.
To that space I escaped not so very long ago. I know it's there. But I won. I won.
How dare it even try to come back.
I long for sunshine. I long for warmth. I don't do well with snowy, grey days.
They suck the life right out of me.
It could be more than the weather.
Truthfully? I know it is.
I am heading to a conference this week. Blissdom. So many wonderful, talented, successful women. I know them. I adore them. It intimidates me. A lot. And that is beginning to gnaw at my innermost being. All those ridiculous feelings of my youth. Rejection for being tall. For being "artsy". For being whatever it was that wasn't like everyone else. They come back like an unwelcome draft.
How ridiculous. And now you know too.
But I will make a choice. To rise above. To walk with my head held high. And pretend to be confident. No one will know.
And it's funny. When I feel the weight of it all at it's heaviest...He knows. And his gift to me came from my youngest while I sat at my desk, staring at a screen...she gave me a picture she drew...it said "best mom ever". Yup, I'm going to be ok!
xoxo
lisa
I can sooo identify with this, I just wrote a very similar post. Hugs honey you are beautiful and talented and I cant wait to meet you! (I'm a tall girl too)
ReplyDeleteLisa, I so connect with this post - well, not the tall part, lol but the feeling part. You are so beautiful both inside and out, and before I stepped out of my comfort zone to get to know you, you intimidated me, because of it. I am so glad that I didn't let my fear of rejection keep me from being your friend, because it would have been I who missed out. Love you bunches, and I still miss being able to drop in and share life. Have fun at Blissdom. :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe your honesty is a step out.
ReplyDeleteMaybe your sharing is a way for others to come in.
Maybe it's time to face the truth.
The truth you don't want to see.
About how beautiful you are.
Not because you are or do anything.
Just because you are His.
And ours.
Just because you are.
Look at your wrist.
Feel its message.
Feel it.
It's ok to visit that darkness.
Especially when it's a part of you.
Of your story.
Just bring the light with you.
Love love love to you.
And I sure wish I could take you to the chocolate lounge. It's sunny there. Here.
And finally, a poem for you. I just read it this morning. And then read your post. Coincidence? I think not.
Love you girl.
"We spoke in short sentences
with our lips and eye brows.
We kept our teeth white
and smiled.
We would hardly figure out
why we were here
but we tried
to love life
hoping it had reasons of its own.
Our worst ugliness
was our blindness
to our own beauty."
Thanks girls! Jana, I think you're awesome already. And Staci, you are such a dear friend...beautiful inside and out!
ReplyDeleteI know that dark place. I've been fighting it all week, for various reasons. I finally took my friend's advice, pulled out a sharpie and faux-tattooed "you are enough" across my arm. It helps.
ReplyDeletefyi - YOU are one of the people I'm most excited to hug. <3
For me it's twinges of jealousy and pride. I'm a worker bee, a behind the scenes kind of gal. I like it that way. I have my responsibilities and pressures but I don't bear the same burdens as those I am supporting. And that is just fine. But when it comes to this IRL stuff at conferences, I kinda want to be recognized. I kinda want people to know what my part in it was. It's all buried in there deep down. I don't like to look at it or acknowledge it because it's ugly and so very prideful. So, like you, I will take a deep breath, push it all aside and be confident knowing that I've done right by those whom I am supporting. And that's what counts!
ReplyDeleteLove you!! See you SOON!!! xoxo ~M
It was very brave of you to share your heart about this, thank you for doing that. I am a very outgoing, intense person (also artsy), and if people are reserved, I often misinterpret the reaction they give to my intensity as that I am "too much" for people. So to know ahead of time what is going on in your mind is helpful to people like me. Because, you know none of us that are going to come to the conference think that anyone else could possibly be afraid of rejection. We think everyone else surely has it together.
ReplyDeletelooking forward to meeting you, Lisa. So glad to have begun a conversation with you ahead of time, too. *HUG*
Lisa,
ReplyDeleteYou are SO Much and just enough every single day. Every time I look at your beautiful jewelery and your art and read your words I am inspired by a woman who is blazing a trail through life by her own power, convictions and creativity.
You are authentically, amazingly and beautifully you and I thank God you have the courage to be that.For all of us.
I .... know.
ReplyDeleteI have been having those "the cool kids won't let me sit at their lunch table" dreams lately. Another is that I go somewhere and get HORRIBLY lost, and even the GPS on my phone can't get me back to them. I'm not trying to be funny; they're awful and it's the same thing that you bravely admitted.
You are amazing. Seriously, thank you for being vunerable because to someone who looks up to you so, you seem to be ridiculously secure. I still really just want to be you when I grow up. Can't wait for our little road trip.
ReplyDeleteI visited your blog this time for visual inspiration. I want my website to look like yours. I wanted to discern that special magic that makes you and your work shine.
ReplyDeleteWhen I read this post, I thought, "OKAY, now I get it. We really are all crazy!" If this talented, remarkable, brilliant, intelligent, loving woman can feel intimidated and small -- like I so often do -- then such feelings are completely nonsensical! Thank you, Lisa. I now see clearly how groundless those feelings are, even when they feel so real and justified.
Wishing you sunshine and love.
THank you everyone for your kind words. You all made me smile and glow. I feel so much better. And although the grey is there...I am taking out my crayons and making is a cloud bursting with that rainbow tahlia gave me.
ReplyDeletexoxo,
lisa