So what keeps me up all night? Why can't I sleep?
My mind? It's full.
Full of questions. Full of ideas. Full of thoughts. Full of doubt.
Tonight in particular?
What if going gluten free was the wrong decision? What if I'm poisoning my family? What if it has no benefits for us altogether?
Then? The mind starts spinning and spiraling. Down.
It's no use.
I get up.
But then I look at the pile of email and unfinished paperwork. Who will do it?
I look at the success of others doing what I do. Will I ever obtain that?
I look at the pile of orders that need to be packed and shipped. They are late. Will you hate me for that?
I look at my kids and all the things I want to teach them. Will I ever have the time?
So the spiral continues and what was 2:30 a.m. is now 5:30 a.m.
I'm still not tired. I should be. I LOOK tired. I'd take a picture, but it would scare you. I'd rather you think of me as waking up and being fabulous. I am not. At all. Not nary one bit.
Curly hair in every direction. I think I forgot to wash my face. "Coffee Junkie" robe with coffee stains...go figure. And of course....slippers.
So what can't I sleep?
When will I embrace that "I am enough" and be satisfied? Why do I want more? What if I am not destined for more? What if this is it? It feels so...so...mediocre. {sigh} I hate that.
I want to sleep. Like now. But guess what, it's almost time to get up. So now I'm at the infamous "why bother" point.
Ugh.
Don't call me today...or attempt to ask me anything. The answer will be NO and I will most decidedly be grouchy.
K? Thanks.
Good morning.
I know those doubts. They are insidious. You know I'm not touchy-feely, but I need you to know I believe in you. Today may be hard because you're tired. Try to steal a nap if you can. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeletePS: The gluten-free will be fine! Everyone I know who has tried it has only reported feeling better!
I could help but think of that song "Enough." The lyric is something like "all of me, is more than enough for all of you....anyway, point is YOU are ENOUGH just the way you are. I'm sorry sleep evaded you last night but I agree with your friend above...try to steal a nap sometime today. Today is not the day to answer questions or be hard on yourself. When we're tired is not the time. Give yourself permission to "be." Be still, be quiet, be content, be proud (in the right sense) of all the amazing things you've accomplished and be comforted that "He who began a good work in you, will be faithful to complete it. You're amazing and wonderful and incredibily gifted and talented. Be kind to You today. Be aware of how Much Jesus loves you, your precious family and friends. You make the world and all our lives for the better! In regards to gluten free, you gave your family an amazing gift of love.
ReplyDeleteLove you so, Donna
thinking of you! you are NOT alone!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Lisa, as far as the gluten-free thing, there's no vital nutrient that are only found in gluten laden foods. You will do no harm by going gluten free. If there aren't enough benefits, it's not like it's written in stone. Life is a beta test.
ReplyDeleteThe doubts? One of the sucky parts of being human, I sort of wish we could mute 'em.
thanks friends. appreciate you...a LOT!
ReplyDeleteGirl, I don't know how you manage to do all that you do! It's more than the average person, I can tell you that. It is the torture and blessing of being a creative person. Seeing all the possibilities, both good and bad. Be kind to yourself. I hope you sleep well tonight and tomorrow is a better day for you. And thanks for your honesty.
ReplyDeletethanks gayle xo
ReplyDelete