Today is Tuesday. The day I'm supposed to share with you something fashionable. Something trendy. Something to make you feel good about the way you look.
But I got nothin'.
Quite frankly, instead of thinking about your "it" shoe...I am just barely putting one foot in front of the other.
Some of you may know we moved a few weeks ago. It's been a whirlwind to say the least. Everything happened so fast. Pack the house. Pack the studio. Pack the kids. Move. Find a school. Register for school. Settle in a rental home. Start working.
Needless to say. It has caught up with me.
I have suffered with depression in the past. Not a mild, "I just don't feel happy" depression. Full blown, out of sorts, out of body, pit of hell depression. And I could "feel" it rising. For those of you who have been there, you know what I mean.
For me, it's a dark inner turmoil. Something deep within my wants to see me fail, to sink, to fall so far into the muck that I just cannot rise out it.
But I have to.
For my husband. For my children. For me.
For my husband. For my children. For me.
It's funny how in my suffering Satan wants to remind me of every mistake I've ever made. Ever. He wants me to wallow in the sins I've committed since I was old enough to remember. He wants me to feel so guilty that I lose my sense of self worth and belonging. He has my number.
So as I struggle to take each breath, and move forward one step at a time. I'm not thinking about fashion, or favorite things. I'm thinking about surviving.
I'm smart enough to know I can't do this alone. I have a Savior who loves me. Who has forgiven me. Who has made me new. I heard these songs on my commute today...listen to the words, read the lyrics...the were sent for me.
I am more. I know that. But I have to believe it.
I'm also smart enough to know I need help. I'm going to get it.
Then right before I pulled into my driveway, this song came on. Redeemed. Again, watch the video, listen to the words.
God knows my struggle. He feels my pain. He gave me those songs. I was encouraged. Enough to write this post and be deadly honest with you.
I'm asking you for your prayers and your support and your understanding. No, I'm begging.
The darkness is real...but I KNOW that I'm surrounded by light. I just need to make a connection between my head and my heart.
 |
| this is my tattoo and ring from my last fight through depression |
If you think I'm crazy and walk away, I understand....as hard as this post was to write...I can only imagine it's not fun to read. For those of you that stick around, thanks for loving me in spite of who I am.
Love, me
XXXOOO thinking of you today. been there, done that. will keep you in my prayers tonight, as I enter the holiest day of the year for my people.
ReplyDeleteMy mother-in-law struggles with depression. It's scary for her and us when she has another go-round with that monster. Your faith and your family can prop you up until you get to a professional (and after, but you know what I mean). Having to find a new doctor is one of the worst things about moving. Almost worse than finding a new hairstylist ;-)
ReplyDeleteSending positive energy your way.
You're in my thoughts. Tonight begins Yom Kippur, a time of reflection. In the service, as in all services at our congregation, there is a time for a healing prayer to send thoughts of renewal and health for others. You will be in my Misha Bera.
ReplyDeleteYou are loved, Lisa. Thank you for sharing this. I truly believe that in sharing this, you are reaching others that are in the same place that you are. And you are giving them hope to continue to remember who they are in Christ. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteLisa, you are loved BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE not in spite of it!! Last April you reminded me that I am never alone, always forgiven and always loved. And now I wear my ring every day to remind me of that!! I join you in the valley and am praying!!
ReplyDeleteKaren xoxo
Thinking of you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI too suffer everyday with depression, I know what you are going through. Huge Hugs to you.
Lisa, Think of you today and praying for you. You have such a strong faith in God and a family that loves you dearly, that will get you through this. Love you and miss you.
ReplyDeleteCarol
Love you, Lisa.
ReplyDeleteI'm here and you have my number. Use it any time. I'm always here.
Sending you love and hugs, today and every day!
ReplyDeletePraying for you Lisa, and remember I am not far away if you just want to talk.
ReplyDelete{{HUGS}} Been praying for you my dear friend and will continue to do so. You can always call me, text me, email me etc. I can't really fully understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion and love to ya!
ReplyDeleteSweet Lisa, I'll definitely be praying for you! Those songs have ministered to me recently, as well. Yep, satan knows exactly what & where it will hurt the most. But, our awesome Savior knows us even better. Hang in there. Thanks for being so honest. Praying right now.
ReplyDeleteI hope you can see all of these lovely lights and they will brighten your path. Depression is a darkness that shadows many of us ... fight ... win ... know you have a special place in this world.
ReplyDeleteI don't really know you personally, but I have grown fond of you thru your blog...:) I love how honest and real you are....I too struggle with bouts of depression,and I am so glad that you are going to find help. All the lovely sayings etc, are helpful and nice, but when you are going thru, it is sooo hard to hear them. I will be praying for you, take one day at a time and know that it WILL get better...hold on! One of the best things someone said to me is to walk "as if", kinda like walking on water, and pretty soon things begin to get that way...a big move such as you have experienced would send me for a loop too for sure!
ReplyDeleteYou are More and you are Not Alone. Prayers lifted for you as you wander through the valley.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Amelia
We ALL struggle with something at some time. You’re a light, even when you feel surrounded by darkness. I think this is about brain/body chemistry and major changes in your life. You’re SO SMART to seek out help. Do whatever you need to do to stay safe until the light feels brighter. Sending much love, Lisa. xoxo
ReplyDeletePraying for you dear Lisa. Satan she has been forgiven of all the past sin and her slate has been cleaned. We are not perfect BUT we serve a God who forgives and keeps no record of our wrongs. I am so thankful for your honesty! You are such a blessing to more people than you can imagine. God promises to walk by your side. I pray that you feel his loving arms around you. One day at a time! We love you! Always here to help! Thanks fo sharing you and the songs God sent your way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being courageous enough to share boldly and deeply honest. I have struggled with depression in the deep, dark way as well. Please know you are not alone and many, including those who can relate, are praying for you. Lean on the faith of others right now. Here's a verse I lean on often from a Snow Patrol song "I need your grace to remind me to find my own" Love and warm hugs to you...
ReplyDeleteI have fought depression...been EXACTLY where you are now. I held on to dear life and my faith and whatever little glimmer of light was left with all my might. It seems like a bottomless pit. But it isn't. The only way to go is up. And you will...He will raise you up and you will see this as just a test of your faith and strength. You have plenty of it. Believe me. We don't know each other IRL but I just want you to know that I love you..and you are LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY too. Ask for His peace and His Love to wash over you and you will be made new again. Praying for you, my friend!! You are STRONG...don't let the evil one tell you any different!! All my love, Liz xxoo
ReplyDeleteResonating... and praying you through...
ReplyDeleteLisa,
ReplyDeleteThe darkness exists but keep your eye and heart on God. He'll bless you with amazing support and surround you with unexpected surprises! He's pretty cool that way! Remember, "The Lord Your God will be with you whereever you go" Joshua 1:9
Love and Hugs!
Tammy
Love and prayers drifting down from up here...
ReplyDeleteWhen the enemy accuses, agree with him. We are nothing, we are unworthy, he's right. But we are also washed in the love and blood of Christ and that removes all of it!
I pray you feel a touch of that love even now as I write. A whisper straight into your heart.
Some of the greatest artists and authors have suffered with depression. This brings me some small measure of peace when I slip into the depths myself. I wonder if it's what makes the creative force inside us so powerful...In any case, know I am sending love and peace out to you so that you may find your way. Thank you for having the courage to speak your fears out loud. I needed to hear that today because I too have been struggling.
ReplyDeleteHey - I think most of us have been there, at least on some level. You aren't alone in it. Creative people seem more prone to it too. I'm so sorry you are going through it, but I'm glad you felt like you can share it with the "community" around you instead of keeping it in. I think most people when they follow blogs, follow the people and their personal lives as well. So you have a massive amount of people cheering you on. You'll get your mojo back soon - and if you need anything from any of us, just ask. Love and prayers from Texas.
ReplyDeleteJess
Oh, the weight of darkness is so heavy. And that ring up there? I just want you to know that I wear it every single day and when I feel the darkness nudging my soul, I rub it like a talisman - grateful for a God who loves me as I love my children, grateful for friends who pray and lift me up, grateful for a family who loves me even when I'm in quite an unloveable place.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you, sister. May you feel the loving arms of God surround you and give you a peace that only God can give.
Oh my friend. You're not crazy. Well, you might be crazy, but not because of depression. We're here with you, cheering you on. Here to listen, here to talk, here to let you cry. Whatever you need.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest, it's first step :) Rom. 5:1-2 is a huge encouragement. peace through justification. peace not because of who I am but because of what Christ has done. take care fellow traveller
ReplyDeleteben
YOU are such a gift - not just for what you do, but for who you are. Right now, I am wearing a leather wrap bracelet on my wrist with a metal bar, and stamped on that bar is a word that reminds me to keep fighting the good fight, to never let the darkness creep over my soul. You made that bracelet, and it meant more to me to buy it from someone who has known that same darkness than it would have from someone who didn't know.
ReplyDeleteThe word is "valiant." You are valiant. So am I. And thanks to the way you share your gifts with all of us, I get to be reminded of that every time I look at my bracelet.
Oh Lisa, look at all these gorgeous comments. You are loved and you aren't crazy and I've been there and know how hard it is. Hold on. You know the light is coming so just hold on.
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed you posted the Redeemed song because we had a bit of an emotional day on Sunday over that exact song. We're in a difficult season financially so feeling the shaking off the failures and remembering the battle has already been won is really, really powerful.
Love you girl. <3
I love you my friend. I know the darkness you feel - and I am praying for you. I wish I had other words and encouragement right now for you.
ReplyDeleteSurrounding you with 1000 virtual hugs.
You ARE loved BECAUSE of who you are....
ReplyDeleteHugs, love, and everything else I can send through the computer. My go-to sad songs are "Come Unto Me" Nicole C Mullen and "My Way" Sinatra. I grew up watching my sister battle her way through depression, and I did what I could when she was feeling too defeated to carry on. I know I'm not a neighbor and ill probably never have the chance to just sit down to a cup of coffee with you, but I'm here and I'm listening if you ever need to talk. You're such an amazing artist, mother, wife and woman and needing a chance to step back and take care of yourself even for just a few hours doesn't make you any less. Hugs, prayers, and all the happy thoughts I have!
ReplyDeleteRight here with you, Lisa. Offering up prayers on your behalf. He will not leave you comfortless.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written, my prayers are with you always <3
ReplyDeleteI love you girl! We are all flawed! Thank goodness for His saving mercies, which are new every morning! Praying for you!!
ReplyDeleteHolding you in love and light my Dear. I'm experiencing something very similar as well. I understand.
ReplyDeleteSending you big love and compassion. It's times like this when it's okay just to put one foot in front of the other, give yourself some space and forgiveness, and meet the what's good enough for today.
You are blessed. Sometime it helps just focusing on that in these times.
-<3 Tonya
www.artfulsuccess.com
I desperately wish that I didn't know of the darkness you experience. But with it currently trying to close in on me, I do.
ReplyDeletePraying for you friend. {{hugs}} Take care of yourself.
I've been there before Lisa. Standing on the edge of the abyss. I've been here for you in the past, in the dark times, and I'll always be available for an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on. You are an amazing creature of God, and I pray for you and your family Lisa. You're a survivor, you'll beat this. Go. Run. It's theraputic. Works/worked for me in the past.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a daily struggle on and off for the last 20 years. HUGS to you!!
ReplyDeleteWords seem like hollow comfort so I will just send you ♥.
ReplyDeleteLoved the beautiful videos/songs....you are not who you were...God has thrown those old mistakes in the deepest sea...gone forever. He doesn't revisit them- only we do. When God looks at you, He sees a beautiful beloved daughter...in the likeness of His much loved Son. I don't know you other than what you share through you blog but I will be praying for you. And I agree...depression sucks!!
ReplyDeleteLifting you up in prayer today Lisa! You are such an inspiration. tracy ♥
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel! I found this song to be SO helpful. The words just spoke to my heart. I hope i can post it and it be an encouragement to you!!
ReplyDeleteOur God is SO much bigger than our problems. Hang in there my sister in Christ!
Hugs,
Michelle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DhU_mGad-sc
Here is the link to the song. ;)
I feel you - down to the core - and I am always here for you if you need me.
ReplyDeleteLove you!
Thinking of you Lisa. I know how that feels as I suffer from depression as well. In fact yesterday was that way for me. It just felt like the whole world was against me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for being honest and for letting your faith shine through. As a sister in Him I know that HE will pull you through this time. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteHange in there Lisa and take care of yourself. I know how it feels. Even though it seems like you will never feel like yourself again, you will. You know. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI'm only now seeing this after having been gone from sun up to moonrise yesterday, so I hope the continued love...prayer...and virtual hugs still matter. You've written with gut-wrenching honesty, and though I've only tasted depression, I know that it's lethal. It's satan, isn't it? Killing, stealing and destroying?
ReplyDeleteI'm SO thankful that at least your head knows the answers...that's important :). And knowing that you are loved, here in this online space, but also in flesh and blood places brings its own life.
You're beautiful, before today and after. The incredible changes you've faced in such a short while? Well, those are things that are catalyst for junk like this.
I miss you. I wish we could just sit across from one another and chat awhile.
Love you.
Teary eyed as that same pit has a fierce leg hold on my Man, like quick sand and attempts to swallow our whole family. Even when he walks freely the sink holes can be so unexpected.
ReplyDeletePraying for you to rise out of the mire.
Psalm 40:2
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
Oh sweetie, I SO understand. I have been there and back again. I know.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you for saying it and not hiding. I'm so proud of you for picking up and moving and not staying where you weren't supposed to stay. I'm SO proud of you for remembering that it's not really about you, but Christ who lives in you.
And I'm so proud to call you my friend. I love you no matter what. And I know you love me too. Thank you for that. Lisa~
So glad to see so many posts here to support you. When I had my very deep depression, there was no huge community to share it with. No family to understand. I had to fight it alone. It was a long battle. The one thing that helped was creating. I wrote stories and poems and I created some of the best art of my life. It seems that depression makes some of the beauty in life more clear. As you turn that dark place into beauty, some how you will loose focus on the dark and the sun will find it's way into all those little hiding places before you know it.
ReplyDeleteSending love and light to you today, Lisa. I pray for you every time I wear my beautiful jewelry you made....which is almost every day. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYOU...are loved!
ReplyDeleteYOU...are beautiful!
YOU...are chosen!
YOU...are a talented artistE!
YOU...are His Princess!
YOU...are a fabulous Mama!
YOU...are a beloved wife!
YOU...are a treasured daughter/sister/friend
YOU...are ENOUGH!
YOU...are so much more!
Love and Prayers,
Donna
I want to leave an encouraging comment, but honestly, anything I've typed here so far just sounds trite. So I'll say this: I know exactly the darkness you describe...I've lived in it, too. Yes, depression does suck. Big time. And my heart aches for you that you have to live with it again. You have my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh! I will NEVER call you crazy. Because you're NOT. If anyone does get offended, it's their problem, not yours. <3
Oh Lisa, this just makes me love you more and wish you were closer so I could hug you. Whenever I share things via my words I feel a little better, as if I let something free. I'm hoping that in the sharing, you find some relief. Sending extra thoughts and prayers your way my friend! Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteNot in "spite" of who you are,....but...you are loved "because" of who you are....and who you are is so special. God knew you while you were knit in your mother's womb and you are beloved in His sight,...Carry Zephaniah 3:17 with you,... The Lord your God is in the midst of you, a Mighty One, A Savior. He will rejoice over you with joy; He will rest and in His love He will be silent and make no mention {of past sins or even recall them}. He will exult over you with singing. Amplified... Just a fellow Etsian from Cedar Springs who has also experienced severe and chronic depression and reading your blog hit very close to home. I am also a prayer warrior and will be lifting you up in prayer...Blessings and joy to you Lisa...
ReplyDeleteThank you for these few posts, Lisa. I can't wait to hug your neck!
ReplyDeleteawww, thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteyou have a bootiful way of being and letting us in. i know i haven't been around much recently
but i have been here in the background. i just turned my life upsidedown and have been getting back into the swing of things. sometimes no matter how much you love someone, it still doesn't make things better. i am so sorry for the tendrils of blackness that were winding their way back up your legs, wanting to pull you back down into the abyss. you are strong. focus on the light and the good things in your life. i love that you have found your life soulmate who loves all of you...the light and the dark.
xo
sherry