I think it just hit me.
My son is graduating this year. My boy. My baby.
It's truly a blend of emotions. A roller coaster.
A mix between.
I love you. I don't like you.
You're hilarious. You're driving me crazy.
Come close to me. It's time for you to go.
Push. Pull.
A balancing act of boyhood and manhood.
A dance of too much control and independence.
A battle of holding tightly and letting go.
It's hard. It's weird. And nothing in my parenting could have ever prepared me for this.
There are days I want so much more for him. I see his potential. I want to "make him" do things. Like pick up his towel. Clean his bathroom. Get a job!
Yet, I'm so very proud. Proud of his choices. Proud of his convictions. Proud of the man he is becoming.
Some days I just look at him and marvel. Did we "make" that? Is he really ours? I mean…he's a man! But in my mind, he's still that little boy who called me "mama". Who stole my heart with his very first cry. My first born. My baby. My only son.
But he's not REALLY mine. He was given to us from above. A gift. Entrusted to us to care for. He ultimately belongs to his Creator. The One who loves him even more than me. Hard to imagine. Hard to take in.
But he's not REALLY mine. He was given to us from above. A gift. Entrusted to us to care for. He ultimately belongs to his Creator. The One who loves him even more than me. Hard to imagine. Hard to take in.
Needless to say….nothing prepares you for this. The letting go. Nothing in the baby care books say protect your heart, someday he will leave you. Let go.
But yet. Yet it is our job as mama's. To love them fiercely. Teach them. Protect them. Bandage knees and spank bottoms. Kiss foreheads and reprimand. Celebrate and rebuke. Love. Love. Love.
They carry our hearts don't they? And…hearts are fragile.
But if you protect your heart. You miss out.
So I welcome these feelings. I welcome the surge of pride and the angst of disappointment. Parenting.
Last night was the senior fine arts night at Noah's high school. His photography from the year was on display. Not only was I proud from the stand point of photography being my "thing" - my major in college - my passion. I was proud of the work he produced. He is truly gifted.
But even more so…I watched him.
I watched him interact with students. With teachers. With adults.
My heart soared. He was poised. Confident. Engaged.
I can't even explain what this mama was feeling…no words.
Graduation is just a few weeks away. College a few months.
I'm ready. I'm not ready.
He's ready.
I know tears will be shed. But mostly…mostly I will celebrate my baby boy. I will let go just a little bit more. I will pray ferociously. And I will love from more of a distance. I know I will fail. But I vow to try.
It's time. It's time to let him spread his wings. It's time to watch him fly.
But when he falls - and seriously…he's a teenage boy…he WILL fall - so when he falls…I'll be there. Because I'm his mama.
I'll love you forever. I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living my baby you'll be.
I love you Noah.
~ mom
very touching
ReplyDeletethank you friend.
DeleteBeautifully said!!!
ReplyDeleteOh that book, I remember my mom reading it. I read it to my girls. I can't even think about the going off to college. I just did kindergarten and I know that the letting go is in full swing. I know its our job to teach them to be independent and one day they will leave and do it on their own but all I see is my babies. Here's hoping they are really terrible teenagers and the letting go will be easier:) j/k Love this post.
ReplyDeletethank you! and they are horrible teenagers their senior year! i think it's built in. but by then they have you hook, line and sinker. there's no fighting it! lol!
DeleteOh this is so sweet and so heartfelt! I have to younger kids but I know the day is coming soon. Please, at this point, fourth grade graduation gets to me. Great post :)
ReplyDeletei was the same way. i'm pretty sure i'll be a basket case at his graduation! :)
DeleteI feel you. My baby is leaving for college in 2 months. She has 7 days of high school left. It's a joy and a sorrow all mixed in to one big, confusing emotion.
ReplyDeleteit's pure crazy! i'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine! xoxo {hugs}
DeleteThis is like 11 years away for my oldest and I'm already terrified! Such moving words!
ReplyDeletethank you Krystyn, I'm pretty sure I have learned that being terrified is par for the course! they just don't write rule books for how you FEEL :) hold fast mama!
DeleteSo sweet! My only boy is 2.5 and he is a little ball of sunshine (in between screaming, hitting, kicking and whining :o). 1 minute of his sweetness erases all the naughty though. Your post brought tears to my eyes knowing that one day I'll be where you are with him and with my daughter and many other 'letting go' times with them. Gulp. #typeaparent
ReplyDeletejust treasure each moment. i hate to say it goes by fast…because i sound like my mother! lol… but it really does!
DeleteLisa, I feel ya. My oldest, now 21 is getting married this fall! I thought graduation was hard, and it was-we had homeschooled all the way through so his graduation was a very personal thing for me too. You have done right by him, you are a great mom and you have taught him to honor The Father in all that he does. Take a deep breath and watch him soar!
ReplyDeletethank you so much. your words brought tears to my eyes. such a hard…yet rewarding task…i still can hardly believe it was entrusted to us! :)
DeleteOh, my heart. My kids are still little, and I know I will reach this point someday...
ReplyDeletebefore you know it! the days seem long…but the years go quickly!
DeleteOh my gosh, I am absolutely not ready for this. I have some time - but I know that time is going to fly by.
ReplyDeleteit does! somedays seem to last forever…but then…then you blink!
DeleteBeautiful post. My baby graduates this year and my 19 year old just left for boot camp. I understand the pull of wanting to keep them close- but also the need to let them fly from the nest.
ReplyDeleteit is so hard isn't it! but we've worked toward this…right :)
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